I’ve never been the first choice, or I suspect, the second or third, but I am the last man standing. Apparently, in the days of the zombie apocalypse it’s all you needed to succeed in the dating game.
Up until then, I hadn’t much luck on the apps. But I knew a thing or two about getting rid of unwanted pests. Swiping left and right are the best ways to take off the head of the ravening undead.
People often ask us what our meet cute story was. My wife will tell you that I saved her from a violent ex. It wasn’t quite like that. It is true that they had an argument after he had refused to commit – common story as many didn’t see the point when everything was going to hell in a handbasket. He had stormed out in a huff. Didn’t look where he was going. Got bit and then returned looking for human flesh.
My wife swears that she was going to break up with him. So, it’s all just a matter of sequencing, she explained.
Me, I’m a natural optimist. This new world is full of opportunities. In the ‘before times’, I made a sort of living as a reptile catcher with a side hustle dealing pot – friends and family only, you understand, and I had a lot of friends.
Well, my profile picture – clutching a big fish in expensive reflectors and a bucket hat – wasn’t reeling in the ladies. I thought it said: ‘nature lover’, ‘adventurous soul’, and when I changed things up and posted a picture of me clutching a deadly – but dead – Taipan, all I got was a heap of abuse.
Well times change, and we have to change with them. I no longer just catch deadly reptiles for a living. I’m a zombie slayer – Cert II qualified, and part-time lecturer at TAFE. Started with a letterbox magnet drop, and I have honestly never looked back.
All that reptile gear was perfect. It was bite proof.
Back to our story; my wife’s ex had smashed through the window clawing away at her – they are at their worst when they first turn, and then generally calm down a little. She swears I was the first person she thought of when she picked up the phone and dialled ‘Tye’s DiZposals’.
I happened to be in the neighbourhood on another job and said I would be right around. I knew the place. It was a lovely old house, built a bit low to the ground – highset houses are where it’s at these days – and prone to flooding, but with a lovely wrap around veranda.
It was a bit of a job, but I took care of the ex. In addition to my wife, I have him to thank for giving up the durries. My fitness has never been better, and I am training for a half-marathon.
I came into the house breathing hard, covered in gore and blood and there she was. A vision of beauty clutching a cleaver, terrified out of her wits. It was love at first sight. After I talked her down and cleaned myself up – ruined her mother’s beautiful cashmere, she always remembers with a sigh – I introduced myself and pointed to the fridge magnet.
‘Hi, I’m Tye,’ and offered my hand. She looked back and forth between the magnet and me. Okay, the photo was a bit touched up, but I put it down to shock.
When things had settled down, she asked about her ex, and I had the good sense to block her field on vision. You get used to it, but it can be a bit shocking the first-time round. I tell my new employees not to look at them as human anymore, but as walking offal. In the early days things could get a bit messy. These days, we understand more about the undead and see death as a spectrum. The language has adapted and the undead even have their own pronouns.
Feeling brave, I asked if I could see her again. I’m not usually that forward. I’m used to a flat out ‘no’, but when she paused, I seized the opportunity: ‘Dinner tonight at 7pm?’ She nodded a little numbly. Janice is tough as nuts, but I knew she was no man eater, no pun intended. Best decision of my life. The rest as they say is history.
Janice is now pregnant with twins and runs the finances. The business is going great guns and we’re looking at franchising opportunities.
As the billboard says: Tye will clear out your walking offal and get rid of unwanted reptiles – I haven’t forgotten my roots.
Here’s to love where you least expect it.
© Tropical Writers Inc 2026