The two were alone in the house that night; benches wiped, dish-washer swishing suds.
He heard her stern tone.
‘Put that remote down. No TV yet. I need to talk to you, Mr Man of the House.’
‘What do you need to talk about, oh bossy wife?’
‘Come and sit beside me first. Closer.’
‘Oh, oh, this sounds ominous. What have you been up to today, pretty one? While I’ve been earning our daily bread…’
‘I’ve been thinking…’
‘Oh, no, and where do I fit into that major undertaking?’
‘Dead centre, husband. All things considered my conclusion is that we’re incompatible.’
‘Crikey! What a bombshell! Any reasons?’
‘Yes, heaps. But not written down yet. I may have forgotten some.’
‘Feel free to let me know the ones you remember. But can you keep it brief? Matty Johns is on soon.’
‘That’s one straight away. I’m a Bronco’s fan and you’re not. What’s that team you barrack for–starts with a P?’
‘Funny girl! Ha. Ha. Not laughing, I notice. I’ll tickle you if you don’t tell me my team.’
‘Parramatta? Panthers? Paraguay? No need to threaten me. In my delicate state…That’s another reason too. I want a boy baby and you want a girl baby. No agreement…’
‘Unless you’re having twins… No? Well, I suppose I could concede. I’ll accept a boy if that’s the way it pans out.’
‘You’re so sweet and amenable, dear Doug.’
‘Now can I turn the TV on, Lynne love?’
‘Yes, darling, but you’re not off the hook. More reasons later—but now I have an appointment with the fridge. Kiss first…’
***
Long after midnight, Lynne was disturbed by Doug’s voice—one of his dream conversations, a genetic quirk she didn’t share. One more for her incompatibility list?
Lynne had achieved optimum girth—skin must be supremely elastic, she mused, as she struggled to find comfort with the two extra pillows Doug had bought her. He made no more outbursts and settled into a steady breathing pattern; but, for her, sleep was elusive. Rain and a chorus of frogs continued unabated. Summer in the tropics… She needed a circuit breaker. A certain irresistible magnet exerted its force, and she was enticed from her bed by an image: a teaspoon, a tablespoon or even a ladle of chocolate ice cream, heaped high.
***
Mocked by framed wedding photos showing her slender waist, Lynne yielded to her hunger pangs, which now dominated most of her waking hours. Why resist?
It wasn’t far along the hall to the kitchen and the welcoming fridge… No need for a light or slippers which might disturb Doug. She’d take small steps and kept her hands outstretched and would be licking her lips and snuggling under the blankets with him in no time.
Like a homing pigeon, a chubby one, Lynne lumbered from her bed and toddled towards her target, achieved her objective, then savoured the cool sweetness in her mouth as she headed back to bed.
Until the moment, that unforgettable moment, when she lifted her right foot, and placed it down. Her left foot hesitated in mid-air. Something was wrong, very wrong. Instant realization, then frozen terror. A live creature was wriggling under her bare foot. A snake.
Whether to squeal or scream? Both.
‘Doug! Help me! Doug, wake up! Please!’
The wriggling continued. In the darkness, Jane balanced on one foot, her imagination running riot. She clutched at the wall as she wobbled and cried in shock, ‘Doug! Doug!’
‘What the hell, Lynne?’
The hall light came on. She saw horror on his face, too afraid to look down to see what he saw. Doug swung her into his arms, a mammoth feat the family marvelled at later, plonked her on the bed, muttering, ‘Stay here.’
Then he did the manly thing–set about eliminating the intruder.
Whatever his method of disposal, probably illegal, it involved much whacking and walloping. (Jane was firm. Never was he to reveal to her the precise details.)
Doug returned to her dishevelled and frowning. It was his turn to be bossy.
‘Lynne, the ambulance is coming. It’s hospital for you. Doc will decide when you’re allowed home.’
***
For a while there were concerns that that it might have been venomous or there’d been more than one reptile, but, no surprise, the sands of time smoothed the rough edges of the painful incident. Priority was given to securing all possible snake entry points. Calm was restored.
Doug’s heroic act ensured the pair remained compatible, mostly. Agreement was reached to wear slippers when wandering the house at night, an earlier matter of contention. A motion detector light installed in the hall mismatched the décor, but brought Lynne comfort. For the remainder of her pregnancy, she was cautious with every step she took.
© Tropical Writers Inc 2025