Welcome dear readers to my monthly column, What She Said, in this esteemed journal,
Women’s Waffle and Gossip. In this month’s column I’m going to regal you with a
wonderful tale of justice and revenge. Some say there is nobody up there beyond the clouds,
but I disagree and you’ll see why. Read on dear reader, read on.
As you all know I was a highly talented actress in my younger days. Most of you will be
aware that I was a big star in the daily soap Home, Away and Back Again. I brilliantly played
the role of Jessica, the single mum who fought against injustice, oppression and high
supermarket prices. Many say I was damned good and I would not disagree. My career was
going in one trajectory, upwards, that is until one Jenny Smart came into my life.
Yes, that Jenny Smart. Remember her? Tall, glamorous, confident and yes, so arrogant.
Well, I don’t want to dwell on trivia too much but suffice to say she auditioned for a non-
existent role in Home, Away and Back Again and was given the part of a barmaid. Yes, Lisa,
the slutty barmaid.
Now they say that ratings soared when she appeared in the show. I vehemently disagree
but how can you argue with dim-witted, so-called experts writing for TV Weekly. Meanwhile
while Jenny, complete with plunging neckline dress and cascading blonde hair, was slavering
over ocker drunks in the local, I, dressed in a baggy tracksuit with my hair in a tight bun, was
desperately trying to buy the cheapest tin of baked beans to feed my seven kids. Yes, dear
reader, the script writers were cruel.
Now, soap operas have their own built in soap opera and in this soap within a soap I was
sacked from my role of battling mum, Jessica. Why? I was told that my part was too
unglamorous in a role that the dumb script writers had written. So I was out. The next thing
you know the ambitious barmaid had met a millionaire, in the pub, married him and was now,
in the soap, living a glamorous pool-side lifestyle. Oh, what injustice!
It’s what the viewers want, I was told. They don’t want to see a daggy house mum
struggling, looking at the price of rice pudding tins, it reminds them of reality. They want to
see an extravagant lifestyle something that viewers can project too. Well, what tosh, but
that’s what I was told as I was written out of the script, knocked down and killed by a number
11 bus. Magically, my kids, all seven of them, just disappeared from the soap and the entire
universe. Such is the power of the script writer.
But there is justice somewhere. As you know Jenny Smart went on to great fame, so much
fame that she agreed, or more likely begged, to be on the program Who The Heck Do You
Think You Are? You know the show where they look into your past and discover that you
were related to a Viking warrior or, at the other end of the spectrum, a peasant growing
turnips.
So dumb Jenny goes on the show and pretends to be surprised that her ancestors came from
exotic places like Balmain and Fitzroy. But the best bit, the killer, is when she visits a cousin
she has never heard of. Cousin Sheena. The good thing is that Jenny does not know Sheena;
they have never met prior to the screening. So, here goes. Jenny knocks on the door, camera
crew behind her, and who opens the door but a female who is the spit and image of Jenny.
Cousin Sheena is Jenny! Absolutely remarkable. So they go inside and sit down but Sheena
does all the talking. Amazingly her hand movements and the way she walks and talks are
Jenny. Sheena even talks the same claptrap that Jenny talks about. The close ups on Jenny’s
face during this tete-a-tete are priceless. You can see Jenny is trying to smile, but its agony.
She is being out Jennied by Sheena.
However, this is not the best bit, dear reader. The Home, Away and Back Again producers
saw this program and immediately wanted Sheena Doppelganger, yes, that is her real
name, on the show. So they make Sheena a house maid in the mansion where Jenny lives.
Jenny’s millionaire husband, Bert, immediately falls in love with Sheena and Jenny is written
out of the soap after she accepts a job as a toilet cleaner on the local council.
Since, Sheena has gone on to great fame while Jenny, now rotund and facially creased, is a
real barmaid at the Dog and Duck in Townsville. Such is life!
Till next month…
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