Donald’s ear is bent
The Floridian Doctor crept in between the cream plantation shutters, bringing welcome
relief from a sultry Palm Beach afternoon. The delicate smell of magnolia fought valiantly against the heavy musky scent of two seated (and suited) men, enjoying freshly made lemonade.
‘How are you feeling Mr. President,’ said his aide. ‘Pretty good Ted, pretty good. Doc says I
need to wear this bandage for a few more days though.’ Ted nodded. ‘Hey Donald, I hope you don’t mind me asking this, but after the crazy events in Pennsylvania, have you considered using a body double?’ ‘Ted, tell me you are joking man?’ ‘No, Donald I am not, there is a real risk a nutcase will try this again.’ ‘Who will we find that looks like me?’ said the wounded man. ‘Even if we could find a good facial likeness, they would not have my charm. My people would know it was not me’
‘Well, I am not talking about the actual rallies Mr. President, no one can recreate your stage
presence of course. Rather, those times getting to and from places on the campaign trail. You know yourself, we are so close to winning this election, why jeopardise our chances by getting you shot again?’
Kamala’s karma
Picture this if you will, an imposing historic house, gleaming white like a freshly laundered
naval uniform. There in a turreted corner observatory two ladies are relaxing with bergamot tea and lemon chiffon cake.
‘Tania, have you seen this memo from the secret service?’ Ah yes Ma’am, you mean the
one about the extra precautions suggested after the terrible events near Butler?’ ‘Do you really think it is necessary for me to consider a body double?’ ‘Well Ms. Harris, all options are on the table and we don’t want a copycat shooter going after you!’
‘How will we get a twin Kamala to work in practice Tania? ‘Well, we have two choices,’
said the staffer. ‘Go on Tania.’ ‘We have software Ma’am, Doppelpic to be precise. We upload the best likeness of you to the internet. Then, using sophisticated face-matching algorithms, it should return a few possible matches. We then vet those matches to see if they are a national security risk.
‘You are kidding me right?’ ‘No, Ma’am, the United States has made use of body doubles
since the Kennedy assassination in ‘63. And, if it wasn’t for the unavailability of our preferred man in ‘68, Bobby might have gone on to change the course of history.’ ‘Surely the public will be able to spot a fake me?’ ‘You’d be surprised Ms. President Elect, a lot of neuroscientific research suggests that along with facial similarities, many people who look similar, also behave similar.
Kim is a Tim fanboy
Larry had done security at the vermillion mock-Tudor mansion since 2017. One of his jobs
was checking the mail and delivering it to Mr. Walz.
‘Hey Gwen, I’ve been handed something strange by Larry,’ said Tim. ‘I warned you about
ordering off those websites,’ she chuckled. ‘No, I’m serious honey, this letter is weird. It has been posted from Seattle, but there is ornate Asian script all over the envelope. ‘
Dear Tim,
I write to you in a personal capacity, and I hope you can remain discrete about our correspondence. I have admired your political career for many years, and I applaud how you have risen from a humble background to become a state governor. I love how you have managed to win free-school meals, renewable energy bills and improve access to medical treatment for the poor. Your tenacity and determination to implement socialist ideals reminds me of my late father.
I pray that one day you can become president of the United States. I know as nations, we are currently sworn enemies, but time can heal many scars. I am still traumatized after meeting (if you pardon my French) the buffoon Donald Trump. I have never met such a hypocritical narcissist and I concur with you that the man is weird.
This brings me to the main reason for my letter, and that is to offer you the help and expertise of the glorious nation of North Korea. As you might be aware I need to be constantly vigilant about would be assassins. My main method for avoiding mishap is to employ the services of a body double. As a nation we proudly lead the world in the recruitment and training of doppelgangers. We have someone in mind who would be a perfect fit for you Tim; both in looks and manner. If this proposition has piqued your interest, then reply simply with ‘yes’ in the prepaid envelope provided. I look forward to receiving your instructions.
Your new friend and confidante,
Kim Jong Un.
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